Give Me a Brake — Part Two

It’s been more than seven weeks since Part One was published on this blog regarding the trails and tribulations of The Oy Way, whose web site can be found here. When you grow older, you will find that time goes by far too quickly, in case you haven’t already noticed.

Ewe Tube, Oar Knot

The secret is to keep growing older without growing old, and to do so, sometimes you have to reluctantly adapt to the far-too-rapid societal changes including the electronic world of You Tube.

At times, You Tube and “went viral” have to be linked together in order to achieve dubious success for an honest effort. Although The Oy Way is selling at a steady but slow pace, when I was in Los Angeles earlier this month, I hired Gordon Eick, a noted filmmaker, to capture the essence of eight Oy Way exercise movements. The video is now being edited and will eventually appear on You Tube.

There was little joy found in demonstrating these movements (shown above on the book’s cover), while clothed in a flowing, flannel-like shirt with a yarmulke sitting upon my head in 90-degree weather in Griffith Park. It was especially frustrating to do so as people walked by talking loudly, screaming children abounded, dogs barked, and helicopters noisily hovered above. It meant numerous reshoots, halting the shoot in progress, and mopping my brow as I continually shvitzed. We reshot most of it in a more tranquil, far cooler setting in the Japanese Garden in San Jose a few weeks later.

Review What Was Said

The book just received a short, but glowing, paragraph in The Midwest Book Review, that read, “Sure, the English language is fine, but there's always room for a bit of extra flavor to it. "The Oy Way: Following the Path of Most Resistance" is a humorous delve into the Yiddish language as author Harvey Gotliffe writes how to use the language's unique expressions to spice up one's languages, with a touch of meditative exercise in the process. "The Oy Way" is a unique addition to any language or humor collection, much recommended.”

Order, Order in the Court!

My cousin Ron, a documentary filmmaker who used to work with Bill Moyers, lives in a grand old building with a courtyard in New York. Ron bought three copies of The Oy Way as gifts, giving one copy to Margie King Barab, who you probably remember as the fourth and final wife of Alexander King. He is the author of several books on my shelf including his 1963, well titled, “is there life after birth?” Recently, four of my college friends passed on, and we will discuss this pertinent question in a later issue.

Margie, in turn, ordered seven books for friends, and wanted one autographed specifically for Bel Kaufman, and I did so in Yiddish. Bel has three impressive items on her resume that few others possess. On May 10, 2012, she turned 101. In 1965, she wrote the bestseller Up the Down Staircase, and she is the granddaughter of the legendary Yiddish writer Sholem Aleichem. It’s an honor to think that somehow The Oy Way and I are now connected to Sholem Aleichem, albeit in a very indirect way.

Where Have You Gone?

We are in a sad way with the possible demise of the bookstore, especially the independent bookstore. The nearby Capitola Book Café is fighting for survival and on June 22 held an author’s get together, where fourteen of us did a “reading.” The night before, best-selling author Cheryl Strayed appeared and there were more than three hundred people attentively listening to her reading from her new book Wild.

Perhaps there is some hope for the survival of independent bookstores as described in the Huffington Post piece published here, on "Celebrating Independents Day.” However, to make this a reality, addicted Amazon online book buyers will have to extricate themselves from in front of their computers when they seek new reading challenges. They might find a brave, new, stimulating world in the aisles of their neighborhood bookstore.

Happy Birthday Two Awl of Ewe

When you write, edit and publish your own blog, you can include whatever flotsam and jetsam you desire. So we wish the following relatives and friends a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, which is really the anniversary of your births which fall between June 25 and July 18, and between 1924 and 1953. Happy day to Rochelle, Amy, Carmen and Hilda (same day, different years), the same connection for Robert Dale and Martha, also for Cindy and Dranreb, and finally happy birthday to Patricia.

Give Me a Brake – Part One

From June 2011 until January 2012, I devoted more than 650 hours creating a new book entitled The Oy Way, and its creation dominated my life. That was only the beginning.

Once you create anything for the public, you have to promote it and make its presence known, if you really want to sell it and make a bisl gelt from all of your efforts.

Bisl is the operative word.

Not Starring Robert Redford

The Oy Way will not be acquired by a Hollywood studio and made into a movie starring either Robert Redford or­­­­­­­­­­­­ Morgan Freeman. It might make it on to You Tube or even Facebook one day.

You need a plan on how to generate sales and the possibilities include getting book reviews in newspapers and magazines, garnering broadcast interviews locally and with celebrities such as Jay and David, sending out emails to the 1859 people on all of your mailing lists, selling through bookstores, and personal sales when you make a presentation.

Each of these entities offer fantastic possibilities, but they are all time consuming and together add up to investing at least four hours a day, every day.

The Inside Story

The results are sometimes gratifying, other times frustrating, and many are questionable. On a bright, sunny day when I am ensconced in my room in front of a computer, I may gently say, “Why are you doing this?” Actually the verbiage is usually much louder and coarser.

Reviews are very important for if a publication with even only twenty thousand readers writes something favorably about your book, that could generate a decent amount of sales. To get a review requires a sales pitch to convince an editor to devote space writing about your creation.

You have to make the initial editorial contact by phone, write a sales letter or an email, or go meet an editor in person, and tie the book and its author into the publication offering a specific and unique story angle.

We did get three or four reviews by “courting” editors and also doing the same with bookstores. In Santa Cruz, there are three independent bookstores; two combine new and used books, and the third sells mainly used books.

When I approached the largest, they accepted fifteen books on consignment but could offer me no event date until the fall to make a presentation. The used bookstore reluctantly said that they would accept one book but only after I filled out a two-page form. The third bookstore said that they would take five books on consignment, and would schedule a Monday or Wednesday date, but only if I could guarantee forty people would attend and at least twenty books would be sold.

Only One Thing Is Guaranteed In Life

I could easily guarantee the forty people; all I would have to do is rent a bus and gather forty homeless people, however books sales would not be forthcoming.

The event planner said if I could get media coverage, they would do it, which meant another courtship. So I sent a review copy of the book to the arts editors at the one daily newspaper, at the two weekly newspapers, at one monthly publication, and to the morning talk show host at the nearby radio station. When I told the bookstore event planner that I was about to get full-page coverage in one daily and one weekly newspaper, and I was be interviewed at 7:10 AM at the radio station, she scheduled me for Monday, April 9 at 7:30 PM. I then sent out emails to about ninety people in the area, prodding them to attend.

My wife Carmen and I arrived at 7:10 PM with twenty-five books already autographed in Yiddish, and counted sixty seats set up for my presentation. However, there were only four people sitting in those seats including an eight-year-old elderly woman who greeted me in Yiddish. “Elderly?”

“Oy Vey,” she’s only four years older than I am.

“Knock. Knock.” “Who’s There?”

People slowly trickled in, and by 7:30 PM all sixty seats were occupied, with another ten people standing. Among those in the audience were four of my neighbors, whom I had personally invited, a friend who I first met in 1970 and hadn’t seen for more than a year, another friend whom I met in Israel in 1975, a former student from the 1980s, my daughter and wife, and a man who said “My name is Mark. Do you remember me?” After the earthquake of 1989, he had been one of the bus drivers who took many others and me over the mountains to San Jose, including two former professors who were in attendance.

I was enthused and gave a dynamic performance, sold twenty books including one to a local literary gadfly in her eighties who called herself “The $2 lady,” not because of what she sold but because of what she paid. She always carried a supply of two-dollar bills and would give one as a tip to jazz musicians or others who performed in the arts world. She gave one to my daughter (the book’s photographer), one to my wife (a leading model in the book), and one $2 bill to me, but only if we promised to keep it in our wallets for good luck and didn’t spend it foolishly on liquor or smokes. I gave her a copy of my book in return.

You can find out more about The Oy Way and even buying it by going here, or just stop by my house; then I can personally autograph it in Yiddish. Please call first.

Part Two of the publishing, promoting and pushing of the book will be coming as soon as I do more promoting and pushing.

With God and the Odds On Your Side

The Numbers Game

If you have nothing better to do and read the sports section of your newspaper, you will realize that although there are narrative stories of what happened in the previous day’s activities, it’s primarily filled with statistics. Within each story, depending on the sport, there will be descriptions of how many hits, home runs, three-point shots, dunks, shots on the net, goals, assists, birdies, and eagles were scored. Then there’s a page that’s devoted strictly to statistics including standings of all sports teams, scoring leaders, betting odds and point spreads for upcoming games, and a myriad of other minutiae to satisfy any mathematician or professional gambler.

Praying for a Better Outcome

Not unlike politicians, some sports figures have recently strayed from the straight-and-narrow. They probably believe that their primary sin was that they got caught. There’s 51-year-old, married father of four, Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino who was injured in a solo motorcycle crash. Although he wasn’t wearing a helmet at the time, he had a soft cushion behind him in the form of 25-year-old Jessica Dorrell, his recently hired football team’s student-athlete development coordinator. They managed to stay close the past seven months during which time they exchanged 4,300 text messages, 300 phone calls, and he once paid her $20,000. Many Arkansas Razorback fans and boosters thought it would be unfair to fire him for his actions. One middle-aged woman said you have to separate the great job he did with the winning teams he produced, and his peccadillo. The school disagreed and let him go.

Getting Off Track

Two-time Indianapolis 500 mile race winner Al Unser Jr., pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated and drag racing at more than 100 miles-per-hour on a New Mexico freeway. It was the second DUI conviction for the 49-year-old in the past five years. Seems as if Al likes to repeat his racing endeavors twice.

“Thank you Bulldogs and Jesus”

When Bubba Watson won the Masters golf tournament, in this order he thanked the Georgia Bulldogs (his alma mater), Jesus Christ “my Lord and Savior,” and the hosts club’s African-American locker room attendants.

When George Zimmerman was finally arrested for the murder of Tayvon Martin, his African-American mother Sabrina Fulton said, “Thank you, thank you, Lord, thank you, Jesus.”

Tebow and the Pope

Tim Tebow, the new second-string quarterback of the New York Jets, may have been signed to help fill MetLife Stadium each Sabbath Sunday. He drew a crowd of about 15,000 to an outdoor church service Easter Sunday in Georgetown, Texas, where he described the importance of being outspoken about faith. The church’s pastor observed, ''In Christianity, it's the Pope and Tebow right now.''

The Pope, the Jews, and Jesus

I have been sleeping much better since March 2011 when the headlines around the world read, “Vatican City, The Pope absolves Jews as the murderers of Jesus.”

“Oh, Jesus,” and My Father

In 1965, my father was crossing Linwood at Davison in Detroit on a green light, when an elderly man hit the accelerator instead of the brake, hit my father and dragged his body along the asphalt face down.

My Mother called me at work saying only that my Father was in Providence Hospital, a Catholic institution, and I should come immediately. When I arrived and found my way to his room, he was moaning in agony in his bed, which sat under a six-foot statue of Jesus.

A nurse had just removed a bloody bandage from his head, and was carefully placing a clean one in its place. I walked over to him, said “Hello, Dad,” and held his hand. “You are my strength,” he said and he tightly squeezed my hand. Then he twisted in pain, and started screaming, “Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.”

My Mother was embarrassed, looked up at the statue, and sternly admonished my Father, “Henry, you can’t say that here. Remember where you are!”

I knew that my Father would survive when he devilishly responded screaming, “Oh, Moses. Oh, Moses. Oh, Moses.”

I Have Converted! Have I Converted?

A dear friend, who is a devout member of the opposite sects, told me that now that I am entrepreneur with my new book The Oy Way, I am now a Republican.

I wondered if I would have to give up any access to food stamps, since tea party conservatives decry the government’s interference in their lives.

Then I read a New York Times story (that cursed liberal media outlet) that described some of the people living in an ultra-conservative enclave in Lindstrom, Minnesota. Ki Gulbranson, who makes $39,000 a year, wants everyone to know he doesn’t need any help from the government.

The article said there is little poverty in Chicago County, however Ki “is counting on payment of several thousand of dollars from the federal government, a subsidy for working families called earned income tax credit. He signed his three school-age children to eat free breakfast and lunch at federal expense.” Oh, his 88-year-old mother has had two hip surgery operations paid for by Medicare, and is probably collecting her monthly Social Security check.

Ki is also quite proud that he printed t-shirts for the tea party campaign of his neighbor who ousted the region’s long-serving Democratic congressman, who was no doubt another one of those commie, pinko, big spending liberals.

Guess you can be selectively against “big government,” its outrageous spending programs, led by its “food stamp President,” unless it affects your own life.

Think I will remain an independent as long as I will still have access to food stamps, in case I ever need them.

The "Occupy Newt's Suits" Campaign

Newton Leroy Gingrich, born Newton Leroy McPherson on June 17, 1943, easily won the South Carolina GOP primary over Willard Mitt Romney, who was born on March 12, 1947 and raised in the affluent Detroit suburb of Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.

Newt’s victory speech was full of benign laudatory praise for his three opponents, and he then attacked everyone residing on the left geographically and politically. He humbly praised himself saying, “It’s not that I’m a good debater,” he said. “It’s just that I articulate the deeply-held values of the American political system.”

Newton, like Willard, Richard John Santorum and Ronald Ernest Paul, each present their own divisive us versus them ideology. Newt is the stalwart promulgator of the “reality” that conservatives, tea party people and evangelicals are the only true Americans, and those with sinister, anti-American values are the ones they must remove from office.

If It Works, Then Newt's Message Did It

Newt went on, and on, and on with that theme. “We want to run not a Republican campaign but an American campaign, because we are optimists about the future and Americans are optimistic about the future.”

Newt doesn’t mince words when he is courting those on the right, but not necessarily those who are in the right. His diatribes are reminiscent of those emanating from Jerry Falwell and the Moral Majority that was founded in 1979. Its opponent called the organization “neither moral nor a majority.”

During his post-election rally, Newt attributed his victory to “something very fundamental that I wish the powers that be in the news media will take seriously. The American people feel that they have elites who have been trying for a half-century to force us to quit being American and become some kind of other system.”

Let’s see; 2012 minus fifty years brings us to 1962, and since then we have had GOP elites in the White House thirty years, or 60 % of the time. Has Newt once again misspoken, or does he need to brush up on his math?

He focused in on the usual trigger points geographically that incite his base — the northeast establishment, Washington, and then derisively mentioned that liberal bastion of sin and corruption, San Francisco. Then it was the media’s turn to be his target.

If It Doesn't Work, The Messenger Did It

The media can be a source of aggravation to most everyone in public life. When the media’s seeks “the truth,” it may not be the truth that a politician wants exposed including Newt’s away-from-work prowess and Mitt’s income tax returns.

Newt derided the final debate’s allegedly left-wing moderator John King for opening with a question on one of Newt’s ex-wife’s claim that he wanted an “open marriage.” When Chris Wallace of fair-and- balanced Fox News was asked if he would have begun with the same lead question, he replied, “Of course, that was the elephant in the room!” A very apropos answer considering the candidate is a Republican.

Newt Outweighs Barack

Now it was time for Newton Leroy to go after Barack Hussein and he did so in his usual gentle, respectable manner saying, “If Barack Obama can get reelected after this disaster, just think how radical he could be in a second term.” He casually, or caustically, mentioned once again that while Obama is the best “food stamp president” in history, he would the “best paycheck president.” That well-planned remark elicited the expected shrieks of joy from the faithful. Newt also emphasized that his campaign was about “American exceptionalism versus the radicalism of Saul Alinsky.”

During the celebration, the audience seemed to be anxiously looking to the wings to see if Kate Smith (1907-1986) was going to be resurrected to sing “God Bless America.”

Newt Can Win, If He Gets the Votes of the Adulterers and the Obese

Newt is a larger-than-life individual and if he became the GOP’s nominee, he could be elected president if he gets the majority support of two key voting blocs, just as Bill Clinton did. After the relentless media discovered and reported on William Jefferson’s peccadilloes, Bill may have won the election by capturing the overwhelming voting support of the country’s massive adultery constituency as well as the pot smokers of America. If Newt can capture the majority of adulterers (male and female), and then get a large number of the one-third of all American adults who are obese, he may be able to capture the White House from its current, less-than-gargantuan occupant.

The "Occupy Newt’s Suits" Campaign

That brings us to the proposed “Occupy Newt’s Suits” campaign tactic which could endear him to many of the disgruntled and confused members of the Occupy Movement. That group includes members of the enormously large, 99% trod-upon element in our society; some of who have faced or are now facing foreclosure and loss of their homes.

If Newt would donate part of his expansive wardrobe to those Occupy Movement members, his suits would be quite suitable to be used as temporary shelters for small families. Then all true Americans would recognize Newton Leroy as a benevolent man of the people; one who cares for the common man regardless of the person’s religion or political party. He could help to unite all Americans, as adulterers, obese people, and those who Occupy join hands and sing at his inauguration, “This land is your land, this land is my land,” followed by “God Bless America,” with or without Kate Smith.

The Messages from the Media

Political Reporting Is As Bad As the Candidate’s Promises

The following meaningful story in Italics (quoted verbatim) was reported on the morning of the important New Hampshire primary in the Los Angeles Times.

By Michael A. Memoli, January 9, 2012, 9:11 p.m. Reporting from Manchester, N.H.—

The first votes in the nation's first presidential primary have been cast in Dixville Notch, N.H., resulting in a tie between Jon Huntsman Jr. and Mitt Romney in the Republican race. 

Each received two votes apiece, with one vote each for Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul.

President Obama won all three votes cast in the Democratic primary.

There are a total of nine registered voters in the tiny North Country village, and just three who are registered Republicans. Four more undeclared voters were eligible to vote in either the Republican or Democratic primary. There were two registered Democrats.

Aren’t you glad that you had the opportunity to truly learn something about the electoral process from this intrepid reporter and his newspaper? 
 Or would you rather watch the movie Groundhog Day all day, every day? Is there a difference?

On-the-Street Reporting, An Important “D” Rated Tale

To protect the alleged perpetrators, only their first names are listed.

The San Jose Mercury News reported that a private album-release party ended in a 15-person street brawl at 1:10 a.m. in Walnut Creek, California. Davon who resisted arrest attacked one of the many police officers called in. He was then joined in the struggle for justice and liberty by other members of his vaunted D-Team including Dante, Davonte and Devon. When she became incensed at the lack of civility at the scene, Desirae tried to punch a police officer and was also arrested. A delightful ending.

Television’s Bright Lites

On the Charlie Rose Show on PBS, just prior to the New Hampshire GOP Primary, Charlie was interviewing some distinguished pundits regarding Mitt and the Gang of Five’s attacks. Fortunately, two of them were forearmed with some transportation clichés —one if by land, and one if by sea—and neither of them saw how frail their points were.

Norah O’Donnell of CBS (or was See BS), seemed to be on a time machine as she moved backward into the twentieth or nineteenth century when speaking of the “retirement” of Bill Daley from Obama’s staff. She repeatedly said, “Bill Daley was brought in to keep the trains running on time.” Norah, trains are so passé, and you could have evoked something with a more twenty-first century feel—you know Norah, those things that go up in the air. Perhaps something like, “Obama’s campaign plane is taking off and Daley has been left at the departure gate.”

The next bit of transportation clichés were in the hands of Judd Gregg whose credentials include being a former governor and senator from New Hampshire, and an unabashed Romney supporter. He sounded like a Mississippi gambler with his paeans of Mitt beginning with, “He’s got the cards and will be playing a strong hand in South Carolina.” Now you can’t be gambling on the river without some transportation mechanism, and Judd kept repeating, “People are getting on Mitt’s boat.” You may have to be a bit wary of any former senator or governor who has two of the same letters side-by-side at the end of both their first and last name.

Ah the primaries, a sink or swim proposition, and that’s why all of the GOP candidates are trying to get their ducks in line.

If the Media Has You shrayn “Oy Vey”

Don’t just sit there and be fretting

All the narishkeyt, try rejecting.

The answer to this type of qualm?

Just go to www.theoyway.com.

shrayn = shouting

narishkeyt = nonsense