Financial Fee Fie Foe Fume

Tree for Two
As financial institutions “merge,” are “taken over,” or are “devoured” by their competition, more trees must be sacrificed. U.S. Bank “absorbed” Pacific National Bank last year and customers of Pacific were just mailed a two-for-one package — a full-color, 32-page glossy “Welcome to U.S. Bank” brochure and a 54-page “Your Deposit Agreement” booklet. Customers have to be impressed that on page three they included a 48-word paragraph assuring recipients that “We have written this booklet in plain language.” This is easily evidenced on page nine where it is written, “In Missouri, a revocable Trust or Pay-on-Death account may include an appendage to its title “not subject to the Nonprobate Transfers Law of Missouri.” Even if you can’t understand all or most or any of what the booklet describes, you have to feel at ease with their reassuring slogan, “All of US serving you.”

Help Fight Terrorism — Open An Account
As they “joined forces” Morgan Stanley and Smith Barney modestly described themselves as ”legacy firms” and “powerful names in wealth management” in their 26-page booklet. They exude confidence telling clients that each Financial Advisor or Private Wealth Manager is there for them through thick and thin. These individuals were formerly known as stockbrokers but while their bonuses were growing thicker and the value of investment portfolios was becoming thinner, the word “broker” became a distasteful term. Those managers may once again be earning their clients’ trust with a calm demeanor while wearing their requisite starched white shirts and well-polished, shiny black shoes as they take on the enemy with this patriotic action shown on page 21. “To help the government fight the funding of terrorism and money laundering activities, federal law requires all U.S. financial institutions to obtain, verify and record information that identifies each individual or institution that opens an account or establishes a customer relationship with Morgan Stanley Smith Barney.”

You Can’t Bank on Advertising

Daily newspapers are like banks in that only the strongest will survive. The weak will be gone and their names will either be amalgamated with their more powerful procurers or will disappear forever, except within the memories of long-time readers.

In January, several San Francisco Bay Area newspapers including the Oakland Tribune, the Contra Costa Times and all of their related papers became merely “editions” of the San Jose Mercury News. The Mercury News circulation then climbed to 516,701 moving it into eighth place among major dailies around the country behind the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Washington Post, N.Y. Daily News, and the New York Post.

In America, bigger has erroneously been equated to being better, so in late April the new Bay Area News Group (BANG) began running advertisements showing that the Bay Area “is our yard” and the Mercury News “is the Big Dog” in the yard.

What wasn’t said is that the new combined circulation represents a drop of 5.4% from the previous year, so there’s less bang for the buck with BANG than before. Omission of facts can be a major strength in advertising.

Capitalism and Communism
The BANG proclamation is analogous to what happened during the Cold War in a two-car, head-to-head competition. A Russian Troika automobile went against an American Ford in a battery of road tests including acceleration, handling, braking, and gas mileage. The Ford thumped the Troika in every category however TASS, the Russian news agency, published the following headline: “While the glorious Troika finished in second place, the American Ford finished next to last.” Ain’t it the truth?

Not Dying to Meet You

The Friday April 23 Obituary Notices page in the San Jose Mercury News contained the names and descriptions of the lives of the departed whose ages ranged from thirty-five to ninety-three. In the lower right-hand corner, there was a two-column by five-inch-deep advertisement that described another death — that of the Innovative Bank of Oakland, California. It seems they, too, got into trouble with their home loans and on April 16 the California Department of Financial Institutions closed them down and appointed the FDIC as receiver. To protect depositors, the FDIC entered into a Purchase and Assumption Agreement with Center Bank of LA. Seemingly so far, so good for depositors, and that’s how it usually ends up with former customers of one bank becoming customers of the new bank for as long as they like. However, Center Bank adds in their ad ”You must take some action to claim ownership of your deposits by October 16, 2011” or “your deposits will be returned to the FDIC.” LA — the City of Angles.

The Secret to a Long Life
Adam Cintz, the remarkable man who is approaching his 100th birthday (see April 17 post), was recently asked, “What is your secret to living a long life?” Without hesitation he replied, “Don’t die.”

The Tea Party and the Tee Party

At recent rallies, some Tea Party members were seen draped in American flags that they may be desecrating, clutching copies of the Constitution, and angrily decrying the direction our country is going. According to a CBS News - New York Times poll released on April 15, 54% say they are Republicans, 41% consider themselves to be independents, and 4% are Democrats. A whopping 89% are white and 58% keep a gun in their home. Surprisingly, many think Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president and without that job she would then have to suffer the indignity of scooping up millions for her speeches, book deals, and being a commentator compatriot with Rush and Glen. She might also get a gig imitating Tina Fey at Tupperware parties.

Tee Party members, who are also primarily white and Republican, are more genteel and more demure. They only want to watch Tiger Woods smash a golf ball, sign autographs, and softly and occasionally utter non-printable language. However, his angry voice was captured live on television during the Masters Golf Tournament and the CBS television golf anchor Jim Nantz noted, ”If I said what he said on the air, I would be fired.” Tiger who wanted to show a more tranquil, reformed post-soap opera self as an adherent to the gentleness of Buddhism, merely recaptured his old image. During the tournament a plane flew overhead dragging a banner that read “TIGER: DID YOU MEAN BOOTYISM?”

What the two T-parties also have in common is that they are the epitome of what all media seek to visually attract audiences away from their hand-held electronic competition. Stay tuned; there are the primaries and the PGA Tournament coming up.

No News Is Good News

The combination of nothing but negative news and mediocre programming at best, was enough of an incentive for us to avoid watching any regular programming for 110 days. Our set was only used for watching movies and countless episodes of “Are You Being Served?”

However, every day I waited to hear the sound of the 430 AM plop of the San Jose Mercury News delivered to my doorstop, or within fifteen feet of it. I would anxiously open up the lightweight newspaper (in actual thickness and in content) and hope for invaluable reporting to start my day.

Today’s edition’s content epitomizes the valuable news that’s available to kindle my intellectual light. I discovered that Tom Campbell, the GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate in California, had an adjusted gross income of $443,426 and generously gave $600 of that to charity.

Readers, who may have an earthquake phobia, found that they are caused by “Many women who do not dress modestly…lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.” This scientific fact comes from a prominent Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedlight. Hoja, as his friends call him, is aligned with corporations and politicians who don’t believe there is any global warming.

To quench my still insatiable thirst for knowledge, I turn to the sports section where Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah once again endeared himself to the fans of the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers by repeating his philosophy of life away from Chicago. “You think Cleveland’s cool? I never heard anybody say ‘I’m going to Cleveland on vacation,’ What’s so good about Cleveland?” Perhaps his friendly demeanor towards others comes from his family lineage as the son of a French tennis player and a former Miss Sweden and the grandson of a Cameroonian professional soccer player. Joakim calls himself ”the African Viking.”

What’s most important about this early morning mental stimulation is that you can “read” through the truly important stories within the entire newspaper in ten minutes.

Never Underestimate A Truly Original Adam

It’s 8 PM on a Saturday night and have just returned to Santa Cruz from a thirty-five mile drive over the hill from San Jose. The afternoon started when we watched and listened to a thoroughly exhilarating matinee performance of “Fats” Waller’s music in “Ain’t Misbehavin.’ ” An even more buoyant experience was to come in Room 503 in Good Samaritan Hospital where Adam Cintz was temporarily residing. Four days ago when I last stopped by, I thought that it would be my last visit with him. At ninety-nine years, two months and two weeks of age, on Tuesday he was barely able to open his eyes and was at the mercy of a vicious disease. But you can never underestimate the resiliency of a man who watched his son succumb to the fiery furnaces of Auschwitz while he survived. When I entered his room tonight, he looked up and asked me, “How are you doing?” As always, just being in his presence elevated my spirits, for his positive and caring outlook, his intellect, and humor offers a life lesson for everyone. When he first learned about his disease he said, “I try to laugh. It does no good to cry.” At barely five feet tall, Adam reminds me of my Great-uncle Sam who on his ninety-ninth birthday stood in front of family and friends at a deli in Florida and said, “”I hope that all of you will be healthy enough to celebrate my one-hundredth birthday next year,” which he did in style. Adam, I hope that your entire family and all of your friends will be healthy enough to celebrate your one-hundredth on July 1. Zei Gezundt.

For more insight into the extraordinary life of a truly original Adam, go to Google, type in “Adam Cintz,” and then click the entry “A Holocaust Survivor recalls his life.”

The Bunk on Banking

Once upon a time, there was a small friendly local bank called Coast Commercial whose branch manager would try and squeeze out an extra .25% of interest for you on a CD. Once upon a time there was a larger bank called Countrywide (not the mortgage company) who offered interest rates that were substantially higher than other banks. If you went to any other bank to compare rates and said that Countrywide offered more, they would warn you that Countrywide is in big financial trouble and money put there wasn’t safe. This happened even after you said that you had spoken with someone at the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) at 1-877-ASK-FDIC who said that Countrywide had ample assets. Both of these financial institutions were devoured by the Bank of America, which made dubious contributions to the recent financial crisis.

Once upon another time there was the medium-sized World Savings, that was swallowed up by Wachovia, whose branch manager would try and find a slightly-higher-than-advertised CD rate, but she and her bank were unceremoniously taken over by Wells Fargo. Wachovia branch employees endured the trauma of a takeover by a bank that had its own branch about five hundred feet away. Now clients are having their own concerns with Wells Fargo that inundates Wachovia customers with e-mails, multi-colored brochures, postal mailings and tome-like publications.

Wells Fargo’s 32-page guide to the transition of consumer accounts and services is a four-color glossy contribution to bedtime reading trying to convince customers to feel comfortable in any of Wells Fargo’s “over 3,300 stores.” To insure that the Wachovia convert understands what they are in for, the sales brochure has a 72-page black and white companion piece entitled “Consumer Disclosure.” Every page is chocked full of mainly useless information printed in unreadable small type. At the new Wells Fargo store, you are greeted by a 24-year-old “banker” with a semi-spiked hairdo who extends a welcome with a firm handshake and offers financial assurance by saying that he possesses an associate’s degree in sociology from a community college. I facetiously told him that I had read both of the aforementioned publications and he was duly impressed. When I asked if he enjoyed reading them as much as I did, he confessed that he hadn’t — yet.

We always shop for the highest rates and found Pacific National Bank some thirty miles away offering the best at the time. Six months ago it was “given” to US Bank by the FDIC because of its problems and this morning our Innovative Bank met a similar fate and it is now operating under Center Bank of Los Angeles. Innovative was a nearby Korean-operated, best-rate bank and we will miss their gift cards, friendly smiles, and wonderfully written free magazines published in Korean.

The financial world is more than a zoo. It is a zoo zoo.