Tuesday, April 20, 2010

No News Is Good News

The combination of nothing but negative news and mediocre programming at best, was enough of an incentive for us to avoid watching any regular programming for 110 days. Our set was only used for watching movies and countless episodes of “Are You Being Served?”

However, every day I waited to hear the sound of the 430 AM plop of the San Jose Mercury News delivered to my doorstop, or within fifteen feet of it. I would anxiously open up the lightweight newspaper (in actual thickness and in content) and hope for invaluable reporting to start my day.

Today’s edition’s content epitomizes the valuable news that’s available to kindle my intellectual light. I discovered that Tom Campbell, the GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate in California, had an adjusted gross income of $443,426 and generously gave $600 of that to charity.

Readers, who may have an earthquake phobia, found that they are caused by “Many women who do not dress modestly…lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.” This scientific fact comes from a prominent Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedlight. Hoja, as his friends call him, is aligned with corporations and politicians who don’t believe there is any global warming.

To quench my still insatiable thirst for knowledge, I turn to the sports section where Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah once again endeared himself to the fans of the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers by repeating his philosophy of life away from Chicago. “You think Cleveland’s cool? I never heard anybody say ‘I’m going to Cleveland on vacation,’ What’s so good about Cleveland?” Perhaps his friendly demeanor towards others comes from his family lineage as the son of a French tennis player and a former Miss Sweden and the grandson of a Cameroonian professional soccer player. Joakim calls himself ”the African Viking.”

What’s most important about this early morning mental stimulation is that you can “read” through the truly important stories within the entire newspaper in ten minutes.


Betty said...

And that is why we stopped getting the Mercury News (plus the fact that any actually newsworthy articles we've already read online...days prior).

Anonymous said...

Well done, oh good and faithful friend! While I continue to agree with you sometimes and disagree with you more times, I love your writing and am fascinated by all the SJSU and Mercury News info. Thanks for keeping me up to date. You are, truly, a fine writer!!

Your former colleague, office mate and...always...your devoted friend.