“Can’t Buy Me Love”

Mother’s Day Gelt
Americans will disgorge an estimated $14.6 billion this year on mom with the average person spending $126.90, up from $14.1 billion and $123.89 in 2009. Restaurants are looking forward to May 9th celebrations when an additional $2.9 billion will be spent on wining and dining. Fathers may be whining a bit since in 2009 total spending on dear old dad was less than $9.5 billion, for an average of about $90. Perhaps this lower monetary regard of fathers in today’s society is best personified by the title of Arthur L. Kopit’s play, “Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feelin' So Sad.”

Mother’s Day Gilt
The week before Mother’s Day, a plethora of advertising inserts provided much needed revenue for faltering newspapers. The products advertised ranged from roses to jewelry, with Kohl’s asking those who really care to “Celebrate Mom, make her day a big deal” with “Gifts from the heart.” Foremost was a certified diamond solitaire earring set regularly priced at $3750, now only $1,274.99. A florist was more direct encouraging readers to create “Memories as sweet & treasured as those she made for you…. Just Because You Love Her.” That’s why some consider James Paul McCartney a profit.

Can the Right Stuff Be the
Weigh to a Mother’s Heart?
There were enough restaurant offers with tantalizing headlines to satisfy any mother’s appetite and then some. She may have preferred the “Complimentary Drink for all Mothers,” or having someone “Treat MOTHER to gourmet Mexican Cuisine,” or choose from “250 kinds of Hot Entrees from Around the World for Happy Mother’s Day.” Chevy’s undoubtedly will be packed after every mother demands to go there so her loved ones can “Guac her Sunday with $3 Tableside Guac-My-Way.”

The Inane and the Insane
For That Kind of Mother
An electronics store offered a “Super Street Fighter IV” game under “Mother’s Day Gift Ideas.” There’s also the skin game for mom with one local establishment offering mother “The gift of Ageless Skin,” another prodding you to “Treat Mom to Something Special - Enticing Lingerie,“ and its competitor proudly proclaiming, “May is National Masturbation Month.” Don’t know the age or disposition of your maternal relative, but you are quite normal if you are a wee bit hesitant in telling mom about these specials.